


safe from the world, though the world will try

by moonlightphan



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Poetry, characters n relationships will be added as n when they need to be lmao, the rating will probs change, topics will be added with each upload
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-26 02:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13848162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightphan/pseuds/moonlightphan
Summary: a collection of emmerdale poetry, mainly based around aaron and robert but some are about other characters> CHAPTER FOUR: to remember you (i hate loving you still)





	1. i miss you (or you)

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo!! this is gonna be a big collection of my poems, they won't be in any sort of chronological order, just whatever i want to post and when lmao - most of them are in specific POVs which i'll say at the start of each n what time frame it's from. all the poems are spoken word so its best read out loud but that doesn't really matter tbh. all poems are written in lowercase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is from aaron's point of view in the time they were broken up in 2017 and it's mainly just about him remembering robert as he used to be from the affair and just knowing he loves robert, especially the man who'd changed himself into being a good person. i wrote this for the week leading up to the reunion (just before valentines) so its where they both loved each other but weren't doing anything about it. /// warnings for mentions of self harm

there are days when i miss you  
not the you that you are now  
for even in my hazy sight  
clouded by the dull pricks  
from my past, left by  
pins in my veins  
and across my stomach  
even i can tell that you are  
so much better than the man  
i fell for those years ago  
when all you cared for was  
how to keep a secret without  
lock and key 

i miss who you were, which is bizarre-  
crazy, if you look between the lines  
for the man you were was nothing  
except someone who loved me  
someone who loved complimenting me  
and the horrid look in my eyes when you did  
you'd always hold my waist until i smiled  
and had no choice but to take the  
foreign words from your tongue 

everyday i miss you  
i miss the way you loved me and  
how i never knew what to do  
with the fact. and i know you  
still do, for even with my vision  
showing me that you smile again now;  
showing me you still know  
what you need 

i still hear the words you spoke when  
you let me go - you always would love me  
and i think i'll always love you too

for nobody else could live under my skin  
like you did, could they? nobody would  
ever know my heartstrings and lungs  
the way you encoded yourself to know me-  
how your heartbeat was tuned to  
my favourite song and how you adored  
the colour of my eyes so much  
you'd spend hours looking into them 

but you also  
knew your way around a knife and  
burrowing yours deep inside my kidneys  
until the subtle stabbing became part of me  
i remember how it felt in the beginning  
when you'd still kiss with  
teeth and never any heart  
i scrambled for months  
searching for yours

there are days when i miss who you were  
but then i recall the days i woke up  
next to you and couldn't tell you my own name  
for yours was engraved into my skeleton and  
i lost myself in your blood and your veins  
your nerve-endings were more important  
than mine and i'd rather live missing you  
than lose my compass inside your thumbprint 

then i come to this fact  
i wish to miss who you are:  
the better man, the man  
i never got to have -  
i never had a man who didn't  
know his way around this  
knife firmly between  
my shoulder blades  
with your old persona's face  
sketched into the rubber holding  
on the weapon

i never got the man who both knew me  
and knew who he was so we  
never needed maps that never  
got lost for we had  
ourselves and one another so yes  
i miss you  
i miss you, i miss you  
i miss us  
i miss who we were but never could i  
lose my skin cells in your old creaking bed  
again: i can't afford to lose myself in your ribs  
i will always love you, and you'll always  
hold my key in your palm but i never got  
to have the person i miss:  
he turned up after i left


	2. space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is actually about a fic i read on here - it's a university au by wafflesofdoom called tell me if you want to stay tonight - this is about the stuff that happens in chapter 5 (so pls don't get spoiled if you haven't read that far lmao) - i basically fell in love with that universe and when i first read that chapter back in october i wrote this. it's kind of mixed with canon too bc i needed to embellish some lines so it's inspired by that universe. please go read that fic tho it's SO good (and a new chapter is coming soon so now is the TIME). im mainly posting this poem today bc im excited for the new chapter if im honest.
> 
> this is robert's point of view when aaron says he still needs space so,,,, uplifting and happy content amirite (the layout of this makes me wanna die a lil ngl)

space  
we decided to have space  
i say we: more of we that means  
my past robbing me of a say  
my mistake taking me of   
every ounce of a definitive vote  
space:   
you decided to have _space_

space means we stay broken up  
for weeks and months  
i'd wait _years_ in this limbo of loving you  
always awaiting a "but"   
this limbo of loving you but   
we're not together

space means i don't talk to you everyday  
don't see you eating your hangover breakfast  
or your toast each morning before work   
and how it was different   
to how you ate in the afternoon   
with a kiss to my forehead and   
feeling the crumbs on your lips,  
sleep soft smile on you before you left   
i don't feel you sleeping   
next to me with your arm up  
or how you woke up still wary   
of where you were

space means i'm not allowed   
to _know_ you like i do anymore  
i don't get to know how   
you liked to be touched  
i don't get to know   
how to calm you down   
and what happened when i couldn't   
i don't get our memories   
of being first in line _every_ fucking time   
always for you because  
everytime you needed me  
i was there before you knew

space means this damn limbo   
not letting myself love you   
even though i do  
god i do but  
i can't say it anymore   
and the more space we build  
the more i fucking _hate_ it

it doesn't work, not at all  
no matter how far we are,   
how deep within this limbo  
i still love you just as i did before   
the day before, when we ended  
the months before  
the year before  
from the day we met  
i _still_ love you   
i feel like this is a finer torture  
keeping myself this way for the sake of it  
instead of being stripped back by wires

space means i can still see you everywhere  
still _feel_ you in the fabric of old t-shirts  
still smell you on pillowcases   
your cologne lingering between stitches  
your things that were mine but yours now  
still scattered around my bedroom   
our photograph on the pinboard, on my phone,   
blu-tacked to the bed frame  
the celebration of our atmosphere infectious   
i forget for a second   
and crash down again

space  
 _we decided on space_


	3. please i trust and adore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is from the whole aaron's jealousy storyline - so around december 2016-february 2017. i wrote it based on aaron's insecurity of him being attracted to chrissie and rebecca and things he didn't think he could give robert. it mixed some stuff up tat chrissie and rebecca could give to rob and just made this out of it basically.

i look at you   
my vision tainting with blades  
sharper than i can imagine  
and you sit with her   
i stare with my distorted sight  
and i avoid inhaling the fumes  
 _i trust you_  
 _i trust you_  
 _i trust you_

she's so close, i can see her breath  
like fog choking me as you're blinded  
with her touch on your skin  
toxic like it was before we started  
she is so much more than me  
can you see?  
 _please don't_  
 _please don't_  
 _please_

you're so close to   
her teeth dragging you,   
back to where you started  
entrapping you like 3 years prior  
when you loved everything status   
and money could provide   
before i loved  
before we adore  
 _don't let me down_  
 _don't let me down_  
 _don't_

her talons dig into you  
like her sister when you were 19  
and you begged her again and again  
to trust and love and adore  
she dragged you down whispering   
vapour that poured from her lips   
and you swallowed  
 _i love you_  
 _i love you_  
 _god i do_

_i trust you_   
_i trust you_   
_please don't_   
_please don't let me down_   
_god i love you so_   
_please_   
_let me trust_   
_and adore_


	4. to remember you (i hate loving you still)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was inspired by a fic by Fangirlqueen87 called 'and yes, i'll always know' and she told me i could post it so this is fUn. the basic idea was inspired mostly by that fic so it's set around the time robert was letting aaron go and taking his ring off and seeing him with alex. (remember these poems are spoken word so they're better read aloud!)

all i can say for certain is   
i hope _you're happy_  
i hope he structures a grin   
on your face that i _never_ could   
for i was so caught up in _how_  
 _to love you_ and have you _know_ it   
i hope you know i still do

i know this is the part where   
i'm supposed to hate you  
where i should spit at your name  
as if it's acid trying to burn me down  
but really all i know is your name   
tastes better in _my_ mouth than   
what i imagine it does in _his_

i'm trying everyday to not imagine   
my ring on your finger like it was   
for so long, and i hope it never felt  
like a handcuff on your hand   
for mine felt like everything being   
wrapped together, after so many   
_years_ of scrambling, and you  
you held it all together

but i hear his voice wherever i go now  
his _so-perfect_ voice that makes   
your safety net like i once did,   
and i wish i _couldn't_ remember   
how that felt to know  
but i can't and i wish i could forget   
i hate that i don't wish that at all   
but i hope a day comes that i could

i hate still knowing _everything_ about you  
from your favourite mug you need to   
have your morning brew in -  
that green one that goes from dark to light   
to your favourite memory of your mum   
on the beach at seven years old   
i hate that i'm knowing all this, and hoping  
he _never_ knows as much as me   
i'm trying to remember you and   
let you go all at once   
i don't think i'm cut out for it

all i can say for certain is   
i **really hope you're happy**

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to add me on tumblr (dinglescruff) i answer pretty fast there, bye :))))


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